Eldercare Dilemmas

VRE: Personal rant... Not seeking sympathy or anything, just made some observations and needed to express them. I've been staying in an old folks home for almost four months now. Something has bugged me about this place since I got moved into this room... Observing my roommate and I notice that his whole day revolves around himself, and what he wants or needs. There is no thought or consideration of others, and they are given no need to. He's not rude per'se, he's polite and all that, but somewhat demanding. And I see the same thing in everyone here. Not the staff of course, all they do is give and do things for all the people here. But the patients are all focused on themselves. And there is no way for them to contribute or give, to be part of things or have any purpose here.
There's no purpose to any of the patients lives except just to be alive. No responsibilities. And it makes them petty and needy. They get upset at the slightest inconvenience, and are impatient for anything they request. My roommate started cussing because there was a slight power surge and it made the tv flicker for an instant. After another such surge, that caused the system to reboot, he got angry because the golf channel was off line for 30 minutes. The golf channel, seriously. The battery on our clock died and he called to maintenance 5 times and complained to every nurse, CNA or staff that came by. And I see the same kind of petty complaining all over. Some get so upset at, what I consider, minor inconveniences that they yell and swear at the staff. Blaming whoever they are yelling at for the issue, even if it isn't their responsibility.

I keep trying to find something to do but there isn't any. I try to be self sufficient, I get my own water, change my own bedding, bathe and clean myself. I'd cook myself if they'd let me. But there is no way to have any purpose here other than merely existing. It is boring and depressing. Don't get me wrong, I'm not really complaining, given my situation I am happy to be alive. But this place gets to me sometimes and I've been trying to figure what bothers me so much. I have no purpose here other than just healing from my wounds, and that doesn't occupy my time as an activity. None of these people have any purpose to their lives here. I think that is one of the reasons I can't relate to anyone, aside from the vast age gap, and why some of the patients are they way they are... I want to have a purpose, I need to. They have all yielded to this existence, and I find I can't. When I told my roommate I couldn't stay here as long as he (over seven years) he says I have to adapt as he has. I don't know if "adapt" is the right word for what happens to the people here.

RA: Unfortunately many of these folks have gone beyond and will never return to society in whole or part. No joie de vivre, just exist.

VRE: Oh most certainly... Most will never leave this place alive... And many are fully aware of that. Others... Not really aware at all.

CB: Thank goodness you’ll get to leave that place!!

AS: I can’t even imagine 7 years

VRE: He told me there is one guy that has been here for at least 12 years.

DTA: I look forward to you coming home.

RA: DTA, me, and 4 furries agree.

MF: Hang in there! I’m sure it’s trying having to stay in one place for so long and endure the monotony. Hopefully you’ll get a chance to leave soon and get a little normalcy...COVID normalcy anyway. Wishing you all the best and a speedier recovery.

VRE: Thanks Mark. I do have plenty of support, and appreciate the encouragement. This was more of a commentary on this place and the environment for these people... As I kind of noted, I feel apart from that. I know my time here is temporary. But the feeling of a loss of purpose is palpable here.

MC: ...that's the problem with retirement, you need to have something to do, a hobby, an interest, something to take your mind off cliff infrastructure of us. Keep on moving! Assisted living facilities can get ya down.

VRE: This is beyond just retirement. There is literally nothing to do. 'Nothing' IS what they do. There is no place for a productive hobby aside from some sort of arts and crafts type of thing. I really feel sorry for the people here. To have lost all facil… See More

MC: sounds like God's Waiting Room.

BC: I work in this industry and I'd like to share your words with a few key executives. We work really hard to do the things you say (empowering and enabling residents), and I'd like them to hear the perspective you have. I believe you're in skilled nursing. Is that correct? That is admittedly the most difficult level of care to enable people given the serious (and litigious) nature of things. May I privately and professionally share what you say here?

VRE: Yes, of course. And yes, I am in a skilled nursing facility. As you are probably already aware most planned activities here have been suspended due to covid socializing restrictions. So there's that... Please though, make it clear this is just a FB post and not a proper statement with all things considered and/or addressed.

BC: I will, definitely. Personally, I believe this kind of statement is critical. Largely unfiltered and off the cuff. That's why I want to share it. Thank you. I'll make your caveat clear.

Brandon WilliamsCraig: I too hope to share your post by including it on Culturesmith.com and writing some additional thoughts. Is it sufficient to change the names to initials?

VRE: I don't know how my post relates to conflict resolution, but sure, ok.

Brandon WilliamsCraig: Culturesmith is about the psychological part of culture-making. In this case, the culture of "Elder Care" & Rehab. Conflict is the area I believe is most important for humans to learn in order to build a culture in which we make better decisions together. Thus Martial Nonviolence (the method), Peace Practices (curriculum designed for specific groups), and Conflict Done Well (the whole enchilada and dojos to learn it), all of which live at Cs. Does that clarify the relevance of the posts I transfer to the website? Your rant may not feel purposeful to you in your current situation, but it serves other people admirably, in my opinion, in that it provokes ideas, group experimentation, and learning which, as a teacher, is my purpose.

DJ: Hang in there. Let me know how I may be of assistance to you.

AM: Now the hard part: for as long as you're there, what do you do with this observation beyond self-sufficiency? How might you engage with even just your roommate to create a shift for him?

Valentino R. Elias
Ash, it is not for me to do so... As I have said, from my observation most are resigned to this existence. Some even get upset when there is any change to their routine. And for my roommate in particular I know he would not invite such a shift... It would also be imposing my outlook unto others. Besides, how am I supposed to create a sense of purpose in a place where I can't find a sense of purpose even for myself. Trying to change others is not the kind of purpose I'm talking about.

AM: Mmm, yes I wasn't envisioning trying to change others...that's impossible. But that doesn't mean you couldn't create an offering that they might pick up and choose to engage with.

VRE: Like what? I don't think you understand what it is like here, for these people, and for me. I know you're trying to be all positive and whatnot, but I don't think you get it. I mean this is what I was trying to point out in my post. I think it is an inherent weakness in this type of facility. As Ben noted it is something they are trying to deal with, and, I assume, has been an ongoing issue... And aside from all that... What makes you assume that I want to? It is not in my personality to take on such a role.

AM: Totally a fine answer. I just got a sense that you felt a need to engage somehow, for yourself, for them, and for the staff. If not, carry on.

VRE: Naw, it was just my observation. Just like I said. I did call it a "rant". I largely keep to myself as I know my time here is temporary. But I watch and I listen. Nothing else to do really.

YIP: the behaviors of some of the residents appear to be similar to the clients at the housing program where i work. clients become "institutionalized" and are resigned to being totally dependent upon staff. i would guess the misdirected anger is an expression of their "acknowledgement" of their current situation.

VRE: Pretty much... Some, like my roommate, can do things for themselves that they make staff do for them. I figure it is to illicit some sort of control over the people who care for them since they cannot control the situation they are in. Yet they also treat my roommate like senior care royalty, they all seem to love him and some come by just to say hi. They tell me his wife, who passed away in the same room/bed station he is in now, was the same way but more so. She wouldn't do anything for herself and treated the staff like servants.

JTB: Very Interesting observation, made me think. I go to nursing homes a lot for my job over the last 30 years. Im often overwhelmed emotionally. Beyond the cumulative need that exsist on all sides, the personal apathy amongst all sides is as tangable as the walls. I always enjoy the folks who are trying to make light of the situation